The Top 4 Reasons Why I Stopped Going To Hip-Hop Shows
Over the years I’ve been to hundreds, maybe thousands, of Hip-Hop shows, as both a performer and a fan. And, as I stand on the precipice of middle age, I can clearly and confidently say that I have no desire to attend any more Hip-Hop shows ever again in life. If there is a heaven that exists upon high, I’ll be the first one in line at the Biggie/Tupac/Big Pun/Phife Dawg/ Freaky Tah show at the Celestial Ballroom. But until that great getting up morning, I am officially hanging up my dancing shoes until further notice.
1. It’s All Dudes.
And they all brought their backpacks. Big dudes, little dudes, medium sized dudes. Dudes in t-shirts and button ups and in football jerseys. Dudes in Timbs, dudes in Nikes, dudes in Converses. Here a dude, there a dude, everywhere a dude, dude. If I wanted to be around a bunch of sweaty, angry, sexually repressed men, I would just steal a car and get sent to jail. At least that way, I would save the $20 cover charge.
2. I Rap.
Did you ever see the Temptations movie? That scene where David Ruffin shows up at a Temptations show after they’ve already kicked him out and he jumps onstage and grabs the mic away from their new lead singer and proceeds to SLAY the audience? Every time I watch that scene I laugh so hard I start choking until someone has to slap me on the back. I’m not laughing because I’m mean spirited; I laugh because David Ruffin is my sprit animal that’s how I feel on the INSIDE. I’m such a performer, such an egocentric ham that it’s hard for me to be a member of the audience. I keep imagining myself in front of the mic, beneath the spotlight, with a pocket full of drink tickets and a headful of rhymes. Eventually I get bored, and wander to the bar. And that’s where the trouble begins.
3. I Might Have to Fight Someone
I’m a pretty laid back dude I feel. But there are habitual line steppers abound at Hip-Hop shows. I used to bar back at a nightclub in downtown Pittsburgh in the late 90’s, and we had a list of songs that we weren’t allowed to play because they were guaranteed to get everyone all riled up. One minute you’re singing along to “I Ain’t Never Scared”, enjoying your rum and coke, when the guy next to you starts to think you’re talking about him. He talks shit. I talk shit. He hits me. I hit him. His girl hits me, my girl hits her, and all of a sudden we all just a bunch of fighting motherfuckers. And as the paddywagon escorts us to jail, where we will most certainly spend the weekend, everyone blames me.
4. I Got Rap Friends
You ever have a friend that raps and just won’t stop fucking rapping? Every where he go he gotta say all the lyrics to every rap song ever made in life. This is the same dude who, when at a club, wants to rhyme over Shook Ones. Not the instrumental, which would actually make some sense, but THE ACTUAL FUCKING song, over the lyrics and everything! So in one ear I gotta listen to you bibbidy bobbidy boop your struggle bars, when really I just wanna hear Prodigy kick knowledge about how his warm heart is turning cold and the next rhyme I write might be about you, BUT NOOOOOOOOOO. Ain’t no one come to see you Otis! Mobb Deep made Shook Omes already so you don’t have to help them out. Lounge God, and try to just enjoy the fucking show.
Written By Davu Flint
g.o.a.t Hip Hop